On Love Or How Love Changed Me Essay

It is not the first time I have been told that love changes people. All of us seem to grow with that same concept. We are often told that we are supposed to find our “other half” in order to become a whole by being together. Love is supposed to help us become who we are meant to be. Love seems to be about learning and heartache, and growing up. I do not think I am old enough or that I have experienced enough to know for sure, but the one thing that everyone is determined to agree on is love will change you.
Now, I cannot say that the former is true, since I have yet to know a lot about love. What I do know is this: I loved her. I loved the way she laughed, the way her hair would catch the light and most of all I loved every single thing that she did that would often drive me crazy and annoy me. That is how I know I loved her, because I could not picture my life without her tiny bad habits, or being annoyed by anyone else. Especially because to me her quirkiness was unique, just like her, it is hard for me to accept that I have lost her. Even harder to think about everything we had.
It was October and I was still nineteen when we moved in together. Everything seemed so easy. When she left I had a hard time not thinking about those first days. I must have told her about a thousand times “You are the love of my life”. I meant every single word. Or that is what I thought, now I am not so sure. I refuse to be bitter about it. Before her I had never felt so alive or felt with so much intensity. I felt different. Although, when I looked in the mirror I looked the same. I still do. I will turn twenty in May, and to me it is that small fact what marks the time since we were together until she moved back home. It seems funny to think about it. Looking at the big picture I cannot shake the feeling that, despite being hurt and confused, it was a very magical experience. But then again, how could it not be magical when two strangers stumble upon each other and out of nothing they create a relationship?
And yet now she is gone. There is no more magic. I look the same but I do not feel the same. There is no physical evidence that she was here. The only proof I find is that stinging pain in my chest every time I think about her. While there is not one thing that could assure me that she was here, every song reminds me of her, every inside-joke, every girl on the street. It is like her presence refused to leave and spent her time looking for new ways to come back.
The only true reminder of how many things have changed since we met is that I will not be nineteen for much longer. Our loved passed in the same way time did. I remember that as a kid, each time my birthday was close I would look at my reflection on the mirror more often. I wanted to be able to find something different in me on the day of my birthday. Something that hadn’t been there until the moment I had turned a certain age. But I never really did, the only difference was that I was one year older, and that was not something that would be visible from one day to another. And so it seems to me that love happens in the same way we grow old. In the mirror we will see no difference, and yet we are not the same after having been in love, we have grown older, and hopefully wiser.
Sometimes I wonder, had I done anything any differently would she have stayed? There are even times when I wish I had never met her. Had I done anything different the day we met, would she have meant so much to me? Would I be any different if I had not had the chance to meet her and fallen in love with her? Who can say if I have changed for the better after all we lived together? Who can say if this experience made me grow as a person? But I do know I have been changed for good. While I cannot say for sure that she was in fact, the love of my life, I can say I did love her.

References

Paley, G. (1992). Love. Los Angeles Times. Retrieved from: http://articles.latimes.com/1992-11-15/books/bk-999_1_grace-paley